Tuesday, June 21, 2005


You were thrilled by Tokyo Rose; you were charmed by Axis Sally; now you will dazzled by Robyn "Red Guard" Blumner. A columnist foisted upon an unsuspecting subscribing public by Pravda on the Bay (a/k/a St. Pete Times), Robyn Red Guard writes a column weakly in which she and her handlers try to convince us that the U.S. Government is the worst threat to civilization since the bubonic plague.

Recently, RRG penned a column while in a period of hallucinatory euphoria, (The best gift for fathers, 6/19/05) in which she announced that,

the reason we have so many children being raised in single parent households it that the evil U. S. Government hasn’t raised the minimum wage recently.

I am sure that Red Guard has a plethora of incontrovertible evidence and an ironclad analysis to support her revelation. Unfortunately, she did not include any of the above in her screed.

Let’s try to apply our obviously inferior talents to the issue. (Notice the Uriah Heep touch?)

No fewer than, "27 % of our children grow up in single parent homes." Is this because their dedicated, industrious fathers become frustrated with the minimum wage and are thus shamed into abandoning their children? (This is Robyn’s version.) Or, is it because the darling little ones were born into single parent homes in the first place?

Wrap yourself around a few facts. Birth records show that 70% of negro children, 20% of caucasians and 1% of Asians were born illegitimate. Guess how many end up being raised in the home of the only parent they recognize. If you guessed most of them, you must have been peeking.

In order for anyone to believe, as Robyn Red Guard does, that single parent homes are the result of the pitiful minimum wage, you must conclude that there are three (or more) different minimum wages, one for each major ethnic group. (Wow. Can you imagine how much we must be paying the Asians?)

I probably should apologize for trying to provoke a battle of wits with a little girl. My mother used to tell my to try to avoid being facetious. Actually, my mother didn’t use the word facetious. She just said, "Don’t be a little shit all your life." So, I will politely wrap up this little paean to Tampa Bay’s sole surviving member of the Red Guard.

"You are going to die, G.I.", Tokyo Rose. "You have been abandoned by Roosevelt and the rest of the Jews", Axis Sally. "The hypocrisy of the federal government has had the most damaging impact of America’s low skilled work force", Robyn "Red Guard" Blumner. Take your pick.

Just to show that no one is totally useless, we must concede that Robyn’s columns are serving a beneficial function. The INS is posting them along the Mexican border. When the potential illegal immigrants read these columns, they become convinced that the U.S. is a hideous place, governed by inhumane monsters and most of turn back and head for Cancun.

We may have more to say about our resident Red Guard. I hear that she has written other columns.


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